So I just came to the realization that my house, our home, is just a weekly pit stop for the Boy.

And by 'just' I mean like 35 seconds ago, but decided that if I tried to wait and form a more coherent post there would likely not be one.

We have my husbands 10 year old son 50% of the time. Since he was 5. So we've been doin this thing for quite awhile now and it just finally became clear to me, we are just a place he spends some time. We are not his home.

He came here last night for his Sunday-Tuesday stint and asked to call his mommy before bed. That doesn't usually happen but whatever. Well, it just happened AGAIN tonight. And because he left his door open I was treated to a little insight.

He talks to her like he's at a sleep over and just wanted to see what was going on while he was gone. He never calls here. Ever.

To say that my husband and his ex had a bad marriage/break up is like saying the Titanic hit a snowball. Things over there are scary to say the least but because we live in the great state of California, there is basically no way of getting custody. If I were to tell you of the things that go on over there you would surely weep for this boy ... and for us for having to deal with it.

But tonight what I heard was someone checking in on what was going on at "home". He doesn't feel at home here, no matter how much time he spends or how much better for him it might be.

Maybe a childs home is where there mother is. No matter how bad a mother it might be.

Which I must say, bodes WELL for me!

I have been struggling lately with my two older daughters life at their father's. Mind you, it is NOTHING compared to the calamity my step son lives with. But I'm still tortured by "My dad let's us do this ..." and "Dad takes us here ..." or "I made a list of all the ways you and Dad are different the other day and he does THIS more ..." - actual quotes.

I just get so tired of being compared to someone who doesn't have a troubled 4 year old to deal with. Someone who doesn't have a wife that requires attention. Someone who let's his children act like animals and run the show. It's just so draining sometimes to hear how I'm just not measuring up in their eyes.

But then this evening I thought, maybe "home" is where you mother is, no matter how bad a mother she is.

I don't think I'm a "bad" mother like take-my-kids-away-NOW kinda bad, I just think I make a LOT of mistakes and when you have someone you're constantly being compared to, it's hard to measure up.

So maybe there's hope. At least I hope there's hope. I have been in this 'How am I messing up my kids TODAY' kind of mood lately and I really need to find a way out of it. It's just so hard when they OPENLY compare you to your ex husband.

So on that note ... I need a glass of wine, for blessed is he that gave us wine! lol