At this moment, my husband is in his boss's office getting the official word that he has been laid off. Yeah, that's right, now we are now a family of six with no income. He told me last night after trying to keep it to himself and not being able to for very long. It started off as a possiblity but by the end of the night it was confirmed by his boss. Appearently, he didn't know until late yesterday himself. It was a corporate decided thing and no one in the chain of command here was consulted or even knew about it until the list came in yesterday. Just cut-backs they said, nothing personal, not based on performance. Well that would HAVE to be true since his 'friend' kept his job! His friend who lies on his reports to make his numbers look better - who only has one kid to worry about - who has an able bodied wife who COULD work but doesn't want to - who has no house payment - gets to keep his job and feel totally superior.

I'm extremely stressed out. Knots in my stomach all night and day today. I do not deal well with money uncertantees. We were just about to be doing ok too. He was getting a bonus we found out yesterday when we thought the company had cut them out. That was going to get us caught up on some outstanding medical bills that were mounting up. Now we'll be losing our vision insurance that pays for us to see Mad's eye specialist in San Francisco. She's going to need glasses before she is two he said. Glasses are expensive enough WITH insurance, and I can only imagine how many pairs this little monster will tear through. We will also lose our gym membership since it's through his work, something we NEED BADLY.

He seems to be dealing with it pretty good though. He seems to have a positive outlook now. He was bad off yesterday, that worried me. He is always in control, always has an idea or a way out or whatever. Last night I guess he was still processing it cause he just looked like he wanted to cry and kept appologizing to me. I did what I could to try and make him feel better but I just kept thinking about the bills and how are going to pay for this and that and whatever. I was distracted and I think he thought I was mad or something. This morning he woke up pretty damn chipper for 5:30 am. Decided to go to work early, get things taken care of, go out to breakfast, work on his resume, go to his LAY OFF meeting, go back to work and finish things up, go out to lunch with boss, head home. He was oddly calm about it. I think I am more worried than HE IS. Ya know what though, I think that actually makes me feel better. I even thanked him for it this morning when I met him for breakfast. It makes me feel like I don't have to hide that I am worried and just be thinking of how to put on a good show for him, hide my true feelings. That in it's self was comforting. He has a wonderful way of doing that for me.

I know this could end up being for the good anyway. He was starting to HATE his job. He was starting to HATE people! I could only see things get worse in that way if he had stayed there any longer. And sometimes you just need that little push to get you out of a bad situation that you think you are stuck in. Same thing happened to me a few years back. I was stuck at a job for 5 years that I hated. I worked alone all day sometimes and when my boss was there, he was an absolute ASSHOLE. I would start shaking everytime he called me into his office. My first day back from a week long vacation to LA, I walked in at 8:30 like normal and walked out at 8:40 with my last paycheck. Right before Christmas too. At first I was scared to death of what might happen, but looking back now, that was the BEST thing that could have happened. I was so unhappy it was ruining my life! So I got that little push that turned out to be a great blessing. I hope this does too. I am fairly sure it will. I just keep thinking about having four little people depending on us, and ME personally not being able to do ANYTHING about it. That must be it - the control issue for me. I can't fix this, I can't even really help, that frustrates me to no end. I think and hope his calm will rub off on me soon though, and not the other way around with me upsetting him.

So just pray for us, keep us in your minds and hearts. I will keep ya posted...