I'm really getting worried. We are on day 8 here people (business days) and nothing. The problem seems to be that the job areas he would like to look in are all having the same issues. New home builders are liquidating their staff right now and there is just no way to know how long that will last. Thing is, he hated that job anyway. But still, to me, a paycheck is a paycheck! I hate that I feel that way. I can't even really tell him that either cause he is EXTREMELY sensitive right now. He'll think I don't believe in him or that I think he can't get a job or something. It's not really that, I just don't like have a family of 6 without a paycheck.

The other day he says to me "So, I hate to say it but I think I may be out of work for a little while." - I about lost it. I just wasn't expecting him to say something like that. This whole time he's been so optimistic so excited even. He kept saying he knew he would get something soon and that maybe we could use the severance pay as like a bonus and take the kids on vacation or something. We would have really been a great place if he had gotten a job right away. He was paid up until a week after they laid him off, he had several days of vacation he got paid for, a month of severance, they even pay our insurance until the end of February. We would have had a NICE cushion, definetily enough to pay off our medical bills AND take a vacation! But then for some reason, he changed his mind.

Thing is, he wasn't upset when he said it. He said it kinda like 'eh - whatever'. He decided to put out handyman adds in the papers and online - HANDYMAN. He said he didn't want to take a step backwards, doesn't that qualify?? I can't say that to him though - OH NO. He says his dad 'used to do the same thing' and that 'it's no big deal'. His dad 'lived off just the one paper in Manteca'. Well, his dad lived in a trailer and DIDN'T have four kids! I just don't see how it can pay the bills? That, and I will not feel safe until there is a gauranteed amount coming into our account on the 1st and 15th. I mean, say this handy man thing brings in $1000 in one week, which he says happens, what about the next week? That is ALL I would be thinking, what about the next week? No matter how much money he made I would NEVER want to spend a PENNY because I would CONSTANTLY be thinking, what about next week? I guess that's my whole control issue rearing it's ugly head. I can't help it. I hate feeling that way too, I'll constantly be stressed out! I already am and it just makes me tired and irritable.

I do like having him around though. I don't have to drag that poor baby around with me when I take and pick up kids all day long. He is always around to help if I need something. He gets up in the morning and helps me with getting her ready so I can get the rest of the kids ready. That has been nice. It's like a never ending weekend. The thing with weekends though...by Sunday, I start looking forward to the week ;-) I just like having my time alone, to get things done or not get things done, it's my time on my clock - whatever! But now he's around all the time and he seems to think it's HIS clock now - HAHA. Plus we get on each others nerves when we are around each other 24/7 - especially if we are stuck in the house, with the kids and the noise. I can handle it usually, but he can't. He gets very frustrated and edgy and snappy and hard to be around. At least right now he has his hunting. He duck hunts and got up at 4:00 Friday morning to go out there. He didn't even shoot at anything but he was in a totally different mood. Just being out and doing something he loves, even if it's by himself, was a good thing for him. The season ends next weekend. He has already informed me that he will be gone all day - both days - next weekend, our weekend with the kids no less. Fun for me but what could I say? It's the last time he will get to do it until November so I kinda have to say "OK! HAVE FUN!!!" He deserves it anyway, if it makes him less depressed then it's a great thing for me!

He has also been working on something for his mom too. She has a rental house that she is trying to fix up to sell. That house needs WORK man. You name it, it needs it. Drywall, windows, electrical, tile, cabinets, appliances, carpet, plumbing - THE WORKS. So she said (insert decrepid old lady voice here) "I'd rather hire you than some other guy to do this stuff" - and at first he was like 'no I gotta find work'. He has now rethought the situation. He doesn't want to do the same thing he was I guess. He keeps telling me that he like DOING stuff, not just sitting at a desk. He likes that he can look back on his work at the end of the day and feel like he accomplished something. I can understand that, I think we all want that in one way or another. So he told her he would do this for this amount and that for that. So he's been installing windows the past two days. He seems to be pretty damn good at it too! They needed to replace 8 windows (!) and he has installed four already! There is a little trim work to be done because the sizes are different but his work is very good. As far as construction type work goes, he seems to be great at everything he touches even if he's never done it before. He installed her cabinets a couple weeks ago and they look great! Too bad that was before she cared to compensate him for his hard work. He was doing all kinds of stuff for her and she basically felt like she was entitled to his help. Like he should pretty much COMPLETELY referbish her house and not want a penny in return - HAHA bitch that AIN'T how it works. This is however giving him the knowledge and experience on different aspects of the referbish process.

Not too long ago he was telling me that is what he wanted to do on the side, to start, buy houses cheap and fix them up to sell. He has the knowledge and the ability to do a lot the work and to know what he is getting into, but have you seen those "Flip That House" shows????? They find all KINDS of crazy stuff and almost blow their budgets and miss deadlines and stuff. THAT WOULD STRESS ME OUT MAN. Maybe they over dramatize it for TV? I hope so because now he seems to think that is the whole reason this mess happened. It's his calling.

But what am I going to do? I don't think I can take the stress of it. Maybe I just need to learn to deal with it. I have talked to him about it and he understands that I need the stability of a regular paycheck, but what can he do if he doesn't have a job? Look for work yeah, but maybe this is the right avenue. He knew what it meant to be the provider. He wanted to be the provider and to take care of his family and to do what it took to make our lives comfortable. I do like that too, knowing that he will make sure that we are ok. I guess I just need to keep that in my head a little more. It's not like he can't make money on the side. One year he did side jobs he made $30,000! ON THE SIDE, on the weekends. That doesn't sound like much but when you think think that it was in his spare time after his full time job, he could have much more opportunity if he put his all into it.

He goes through phases I think, he wants to be the worker bee and get his hands dirty and have something to show for it, until he gets tired of being tired and dirty all the time. Then he wants to be the guy in charge of those guys, sitting at his desk and solving problems with his brain instead of his hands. Until he gets tired of being behind a desk and on the phone all day. I've seen the cycle and I guess I should just let it work itself out. I just need to remind myself that he will take care of us and do what I can to make it easier for him to.

WOW - Do I sound like a simpering house wife or WHAT?! I just don't know that there is anything else I can do. I can't get a job, not a paying one anyway. And to be honest, I like being home with the kids. I mean, they drive me absolutely crazy, but I am getting used to that part ;-) I like being at my own pace, most of the time. I like shopping when everyone else is at work. I like not rushing around so much. I LOVE NOT HAVING A BOSS! Well, not one that talk anyway. I like being able to have friends over when I want, doing what I want and NOT doing what I don't want. I love being able to do stuff for the kids. I like being here for homework and field trips and stuff that my mom didn't get to do. I like the freedom. Maybe that's why I sound the way I do with DH and his stuff. I am grateful to him. He has given me the opportunity to stay home. Well, there was almost no way I COULD work, so he has given me the comfort of being at home and not having to give up too much to do it. So I will stick by his side through this and be supportive of whatever he decides to do because he will always take care of us, that I CAN count on.

I'll just write here and vent a little ;-)

TNT (Till Next Time!)