Today is my first born's birthday. She turned 10 today. She's with her dad today. I miss her.

I called and sang 'Happy Birthday' to her, but it just didn't feel the same. She was out and about, doing fun birthday stuff, and I wish more than anything I was with her. Things are what they are, that's how divorce is I guess.

I would have put up pictures of her BIRTHday like I did with my other two daughter's birthday posts here and here, but my scanner/printer is AWOL at the moment :-/ So I shall proceed without.

Her BIRTHday started out with her a week late and stubborn as all get out {takes after Mama :-D} My {1st} husband and I were living in Arizona at the time while he was in college. We were pretty much alone so my mom drove out the day before to help. I woke up at 5:00 in the morning, showered, shaved, put on a little make up {can you tell I was only 19 and this was my 1st?} and tried to mentally prepare for what we were about to go through. We left for the hospital around 6, my mom dropped us off cause did I mention that we didn't have a car at the time? :-) She went home and took a nap and came back when the action started.

It's funny to think back on it now with all my veteran experience. I packed movies, a deck of cards, magazines, other useless crap - all the stuff they TELL you to pack but you NEVER use cause really, who wants to look at Cosmo or play Hearts in between contractions? They checked me and I was at a 0 and 0% effaced - so basically, even a week late, we were starting from scratch here. They hooked me up to stuff and things really didn't get going for a couple hours, though I remember it feeling like minutes. Then once they started the IV fluids, even before the Pitocin, I started feeling VERY VERY weird.

All of a sudden I was very very sleepy. I sorta laid down and felt my heart fluttering. Then I started hearing what I can only describe as water in my head. I swear it felt like water sloshing around from one ear to the other. Then my chest started hurting . . . really really badly. I tried to move, but I couldn't. I tried to call my mom and my husband, but I couldn't. Then the pain got so bad I started to cry, but I still couldn't move or speak. So I laid there, tears streaming down my face feeling like my chest was going to explode and I couldn't move. My mom was the one who noticed it, she asked me if I was ok, what the hell was going on? I can remember trying to SCREAM at her but all I could get out was a whisper 'chest . . . hurts'. She and my husband ran outside and called for the nurse . . . then next hour was a blur of machines, people, and tests. Slowly I started to come out of whatever the HELL it was that had happened to me. I told them everything that happened and after all of it, they couldn't find a thing. They had NO IDEA what had happened. The only thing I noticed and wondered about was how fast my IV fluid had gone in - the first bag took only 10 minutes to drain into my body whereas the next one took 2 hours. I have heard {don't ask where, I really don't remember, and this could be TOTALLY false info - fyi - just sayin} that flooding the body with too much can give you a heart attack, and that there really is no way to pin point the cause. Now, like I said, that's just what I HEARD, I don't claim to propose it as fact, I just remember it that way.

After that, things went pretty well. When being induced, the Pitocin sends your body into labor at a highly accelerated rate. BOY HOWDY. I went from 0 and 0 to 10 and pushing in 4 hours. In fact the last 6 cm happened in 30 minutes. I got to hear those fun words from the nurse as she reluctantly checked me, thinking I wasn't CLOSE to ready "DON'T PUSH I HAVE TO FIND THE DOCTOR DON'T PUSH!" - HA! Why do they even bother saying it, really? Anyone who has been at that stage and heard those words KNOWS there really is NOTHING you can do about it! Your body itself is doing the pushing for you! Somebody better just be there to catch!

I pushed for maybe 20 minutes and she was out, 7lbs 6oz, 20 1/2". My doctor had at first said he wouldn't need to cut, but then her tiny little blue head appeared and without a word he cut me, pulled her out, held her up, and they took her away. I of course had NO idea what was going on, but my mom's worried face lead me to believe this was perhaps not the norm. She was as blue as a blueberry. I didn't actually get to hold her for quite a little bit. I wanted the whole babys delivered to your chest thing, but she needed some help first I guess.

They worked whatever magic they do and she was just fine. Better than fine. She was the most beautiful baby girl ever. I remember just staring at her, into her beautiful blue eyes for seemed like forever. I wanted to hold her every second I could. In Phoenix they had the baby stay in the room with you at all times and so I would nurse her and she would fall asleep on me, then I would fall asleep too. Until, that is, the know-it-all nurse came in and TOOK HER OFF OF ME saying "Mom should get some sleep" I said "Mom WAS sleeping, thank you" and took my baby right back!

Her dad and I held her just about every moment of the first 24 hours of her life. We were so amazed by this tiny little baby that was now here after months of talking to her and dreaming about her. She was the best baby too, hardly ever cried, just looked pretty all the time ;-)

Now her age has two digits. She's a 'tween - between a little kid and a teenager, and every bit the part. She's the smartest kid I know. She thinks deeply about things and it's so much fun to talk to her about things because she listens, I mean REALLY listens. So mature in ways, so innocent in others. She's so creative and interested in things. When something sparks her interest she wants to know EVERYTHING there is to know about it. She's compassionate and a great friend. She cares so much about other people and making them happy. She has a GREAT sense of humor {from me of course :-D} she makes me laugh all the time. She's a leader and I love that about her, she's not one to follow the crowd.

I am so excited about the stage she, and I, are about to enter into. I don't want to be afraid of talking to her about the important things like the birds and bees, I want to embrace it. I'm so excited to see what choices she makes for herself. To see what things she becomes interested in. I can't wait to have more talks with her, to tell her important things about life. I'm excited to watch her become the woman she's going to be. And I feel blessed every day to be her mother, to know her and be in her life.

Well we're celebrating her birthday tomorrow with the family so I need to get things ready around here!

TNT!