This week I learned that camping is hard with four children.

You would think that would be a given, wouldn't you? Especially since most people I know TOLD me I was one sandwich short of a picnic for even *thinking* about taking 4 kids camping.

My trip, in list form:

• We had to leave after 4pm because we had to wait for my stepson to get home - that is REALLY late when MOST people got to the campsite Friday MORNING and it's first come, first served
• The truck overheated TWICE on the way there
• DH got second degree burns when he opened the water tank and it boiled over his arm

and yet ... we pressed on ...

• We got to the campsite at 7 ... PM ... and there was only ONE spot left.
• We didn't realize that this site was the only one left FOR A REASON - to be mentioned in a bullet point later
• DH decided to put up the NEW, 2-room, 8-man, tent - for the FIRST TIME - before dinner
• Because I don't cook ... ahem
• We, or *HE*, started dinner at 8:30 ... PM
• My children are the hungriest people I have ever met - I'm concerned they have tapeworms - and they let me know every 5.3 minutes they were "STARVING TO DEATH"
• It was dark before dinner was done and we were bombarded by kamakazi alien bugs that I have NEVER seen before and it sent us all screaming into the night
• We promised the kids smores and I am a lady of my word so there HAD to be smores ... even if it was 10:30 at night
• I *TOTALLY* didn't do that just for myself ;-)
• We went to bed at 11 and eventhough the children were EXHAUSTED, they faught sleep ... and they faught HARD
• My step son rocks back and forth so hard in his sleep that DH woke up and freaked out thinking there was a racoon in the tent
• We awoke with the sun ... at 5:30 in the morning ... because it was beating down on our tent and it was already 150* inside ... ish
• In the morning we found that we had managed to pick the ONLY campsite with little to NO SHADE whatsoever, and more loose dirt than Kansas
• Lil Miss, my 4 year old, is the cutest (and clumbsiest) 4 year old you will find - within 5 minutes of arriving at camp she fell, face first, into the DUST and stood up looking she had gotten a spray tan
• After breakfast we tried to escape the already 95* heat (and this time I'm NOT exagerating) by treking down to the river to fish
• It was BEAUTIFUL
• DH was determined to teach my daughters to fish since neither of them had ever gone so this was going to be exciting for everyone!
• There were NO fish in this river ... I kid you not ... so DH & the girls were VERY dissappointed
• I was already MORE than ready to go home at this point but tried to keep cool by dipping my feet in the ice cold river

THEN it got bad ...

• My toes were numb by the time we left so when got out I slipped on the rocks
• I managed to bruise & skin both my shins from ankle to knee, my chest & my hands
• I ALSO managed to fall in the water ... on my camera
• I cried ... which always gives me a MEAN headache
• I forgot to bring tylenol
• We had to trek way back up the big o hill with my leg THROBBING with every step

And it was only 11:30am ...

• So we went back to camp to have lunch and ... spend some quality time sweating
• We hovered over the 3 leaves worth of shade we had in one corner of the campsite with the kids in the other
• It was about 100*
• It was the longest hour EVER.
• To cool off we went down to the bend in the river where it was shallow
• EVERYONE *ELSE* in the campground had the same idea
• There was no riverside beach or even shore, just rocks ... lots & LOTS of rocks

This was when I first started thinking "DAMN I *NEED* MY CAMERA!"

• It was beautiful & we were lucky enough to find a place that had a rock made dam that basically made a little kiddie pool!
• I was able to sit my chair (and my HUGE leg) in the water and play with the kids & prevent them from drowning
• I watched as all the other people there let their kids (about the same age as my two oldest) just swim around and go down the rapids and have a GOOD OL TIME
• I started REALLY looking forward to my kids' swim lessons & them being about 4 years older lol
• DH fished the whole time, moving up and down the river, so I minded the kids
• That was fun ... for awhile ... then when they started getting whiney and my headache reached migraine proportions ... it wasn't so fun anymore
• FINALLY he joined us after about 2 hours and then wanted to play in the water as the children started to scatter and try to climb on rocks and give their mother a heart attack considering what she had *just* been through
• When we left we went to the nearest general store, about 20 minutes of WINDY road away, where we got to pay like $20 for 8 Tylenol that didn't work - but at least it killed some time ...
• We got back to our site and moved our chairs over to the new 3 leaves worth of shade in the 104* heat
• I fell asleep in my camping chair as the girls colored or read & Lil Miss and the Boy played in the Kansas like dust/dirt

FINALLY ... it was time to make dinner and we PRAISED GOD, I'm not kidding ...

• When I wasn't spraying the kids down with bug spray, I was covering them in sunblock
• When I wasn't covering them in sunblock, I was wiping their faces/hands/arms
• When I was done wiping them ... it was time to reapply the bug spray

Now this is where the story takes an unexpected GOOD turn ...

• We all ate a lovely dinner together and it was MUCH earlier than the night before so the kamakazi bugs had not yet begun to strike
• After dinner we made homemade popcorn over the campfire! AND IT WAS GOOOOOOD :)
• It was actually cool enough outside to sit BY the fire!
• We ate popcorn and had funny face contests and the kids were SO cute
• This was the 50hundredth time I said "WOW I WISH I HAD MY CAMERA ... WAAAAAAAH!!!!!"
• And that is when my DH went to the truck and produced my camera in OK working order!
• My memory card still had the other pictures on it too!
• So I was able to take pictures of the popcorn, the silliness & the smores that brought the house down!
• DH found that if he put the lantern far FAR away the bugs were drawn over THERE and left us completely alone :)
• We all went to bed at a reasonable hour and slept reasonably well :) no racoons ;)

And then we awoke to the HEAAAAT ...

• DH went out and attempted to fish so I let the kids sleep until he came back
• I think he came back after aWHILE and it was STILL only 6:30am
• We ate a lovely breakfast that he cooked while I did the bug spray/sunblock lather/rinse/repeat dance
• And then it was time to get the @#$% outta there!
• It seemed like a sweet forever but we finally packed up, hoped in the truck and bid that little pit of hell goodbye
• We had toyed with the idea of stopping for lunch but after I saw 4 DIRTY faces in the backseat I figured that if we DID stop, we would have to buy us all new shirts to wear inside since I had only packed ONE PAIR OF WARM WEATHER CLOTHES, and that was just not in the budget

So we got home, bathed, scrubbed, scoured & just about took off the top layer of skin ... but all felt human again ... and it was good.

Honestly, I'm game to try the whole camping thing again ... and no I'm not drunk ... yet.

I just think if we get a better spot, with shade, no dirt, no bugs, no desert-like heat & no kids ... we should be GREAT! lol ;) J/K about the kids part ... maybe just LESS kids ... lol

I'm so frustrated right now I just want to break. down.

• My AC is not working downstairs and it's going to be above 100* for the forseeable future
• It's out of warranty and I don't even think we have the money to get them OUT here to see what the @#$% is the problem
• My downstairs toilet is not working because something was flushed down it that should not have been, and is now blocking everything, including toilet paper
• My car needs AT LEAST $1000 worth of work ... like, YESTERDAY
• DH was suppsed to get paid on a job on the FIRST and we STILL have not recieved that payment
• And now the guy who owes us isn't answering his phone
• I have had ALL FOUR of these crazy children for 5 days straight and I'm starting to loose my hair
• Seriously, my hair is falling out in clumps
• That could be because things are going from bad to worse, financially speaking, and I am LOSING it
• My 4 old is just NOT getting the potty training thing
• I just put my hand in S**T when I went to change her POOPY PULLUP
• That was the SECOND POOPY PULLUP TODAY and it was only 9:30am
• I am just plain EXHAUSTED emotionally
• DH is fishing AGAIN, and I have these four crazy people that just can't seem to understand that I am on the BRINK and they should probably take it easy on me
• I'm SUPPOSED to get my hair done today but I just can't get into it because I keep thinking "I SO should not be spending this money on myself" but DH insists ... because he is a sweet man
• He is also a procrastinator
• So am I
• This is NOT a good combination when it comes to things that neither of us want to do or think about
• I am still going through major amount of mommy guilt - I've just about convinced myself that my children will (or already do) think I'm a terrible mother and will grow up to blame me for everything ... and they'll be right
• Maybe sometime this week I'll go hang out at the scrappy store or something
• I miss my BFF, I think too much and sometimes talking it out {lucky her} is the only way to get it out of my head
• SHE NEEDS TO COME HOME lol
• Maybe I just need to get off this computer and stop whining ...

So in preparation for what will surely be the end to my sanity (camping with 4 children) DH and I made the decision to save a little money and look for the few (or 50) last minute items in the arm pit of Hell ... also known as ... Walmart.

I hate Walmart. I won't bore you with my reasons to hate Walmart as they are plentiful and just. Let's just say, I haven't been in YEARS and turns out, I haven't missed a thing.

It started out just fine though, see that's how they gitcha. They lure you in with their $2.00 Doritos and $0.25 crayon boxes. Then the next thing you know you're saying "HEEEY! This place ain't so bad after all!!".

That's just about the time when you're pulling up to the cash register and realize that you gave your husband your debit card earlier that day to get some cash out ... and then you remember how when you left the house ... 30 miles away ... that he said "oh no ... I left my wallet at the house" ... and that's when you put 1 and 1 together and get "HOLY CRAP WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY" ... and that's about the time you start cursing ... hopefully in your head ... and that's when you finally say (trying NOT to curse) "HONEY ... where's my debit card?!" And that's right about the time that the look of panic hits your husband ... and right after that is when you think to yourself "Yep ... shouldn't have come here ... this place is on cursed ground".

And THAT, my friends, is the LONGEST. sentence. ever.

So after much swearing and gnashing of teeth we looked to the bewildered cashier for assistance. DH explained that he had left his wallet at home and could we PLEASE leave our FULL cart in the front while we left to get it. After about 35 seconds of complete silence and staring contest, the cashier finally said "yeah" and walked away.

I figured maybe his oh-so-tight girl jeans were finally cutting off the circulation to his brain and he was about to pass out, that or the black hair dye had finally seeped in, but no he was just ... leaving. As is customary for Walmart employees we found.

FINALLY, some gently soul took our FULL cart to the front and off to the side. We said ... to no one inparticular it turns out ... that we WOULD be back TONIGHT and to please oh PLEASE not take our stuff back. So we left. Our heads hung with shame and woe ... well HIS anyway ... knowing we HAD to drive all the way home ... 30 miles ... and all the way back ... 30 MORE miles ... TONIGHT.

On the bright side ... according to Lil Miss ... today was the BEST. DAY. EVER!

We decided instead of the lovely dinner OUT we had PLANNED on ... complete with cocktails for us weakened by Walmart ... we would just grab something on the way. The problem is, Lil Miss doesn't eat fast food. Like NO fast food. I know, she's weird. So I ask her what she wants for dinner just for the fun of it and she says "I want a Krabby Patty!". So it stuck me, there is visually no difference between a Krabby Patty and a hamburger from Wendys! So we gave it a shot ... and it was good!

The whole time in the drive through she was singing the "It's the BEST DAY EVER!" song and when she got the 'Krabby Patty' she was so damned excited she ate the whole thing. Then she said to me, "Mommy, it really IS the best day ever ... ya know?" LOL

Now the plan was to run home, grab the wallet and head back to the store. But as we neared the house Lil Miss said she wanted to go home and go ni-night in her bed. And then she said 'stop pinching my mommy, I said what you told me to!' - lol - no but it was a pretty perfect set up ;)

DH took pitty on us poor Walmart whipped women and let us stay home while he went back to HELL and got our stuff.

The jury is still out on whether or not our stuff was reshopped or not. He left here an hourish ago and his phone was dying so I guess we'll see whether or not he had to get ALL. THAT. STUFF. ALL. DAMN. OVER. AGAIN ... or if the good people at Walmart took pity on our souls.

It was as if God was saying directly to me "Told ya not to shop there" and laughing at me. It's ok though, I laughed too. Cause we have that kind of relationship and I know it will all be ok if I simple learn a lesson from this experience.

DO NOT SHOP AT WALMART ... WHAT YOU SAVE ON DORITOS, YOU SPEND ON GAS! ;)

So I just came to the realization that my house, our home, is just a weekly pit stop for the Boy.

And by 'just' I mean like 35 seconds ago, but decided that if I tried to wait and form a more coherent post there would likely not be one.

We have my husbands 10 year old son 50% of the time. Since he was 5. So we've been doin this thing for quite awhile now and it just finally became clear to me, we are just a place he spends some time. We are not his home.

He came here last night for his Sunday-Tuesday stint and asked to call his mommy before bed. That doesn't usually happen but whatever. Well, it just happened AGAIN tonight. And because he left his door open I was treated to a little insight.

He talks to her like he's at a sleep over and just wanted to see what was going on while he was gone. He never calls here. Ever.

To say that my husband and his ex had a bad marriage/break up is like saying the Titanic hit a snowball. Things over there are scary to say the least but because we live in the great state of California, there is basically no way of getting custody. If I were to tell you of the things that go on over there you would surely weep for this boy ... and for us for having to deal with it.

But tonight what I heard was someone checking in on what was going on at "home". He doesn't feel at home here, no matter how much time he spends or how much better for him it might be.

Maybe a childs home is where there mother is. No matter how bad a mother it might be.

Which I must say, bodes WELL for me!

I have been struggling lately with my two older daughters life at their father's. Mind you, it is NOTHING compared to the calamity my step son lives with. But I'm still tortured by "My dad let's us do this ..." and "Dad takes us here ..." or "I made a list of all the ways you and Dad are different the other day and he does THIS more ..." - actual quotes.

I just get so tired of being compared to someone who doesn't have a troubled 4 year old to deal with. Someone who doesn't have a wife that requires attention. Someone who let's his children act like animals and run the show. It's just so draining sometimes to hear how I'm just not measuring up in their eyes.

But then this evening I thought, maybe "home" is where you mother is, no matter how bad a mother she is.

I don't think I'm a "bad" mother like take-my-kids-away-NOW kinda bad, I just think I make a LOT of mistakes and when you have someone you're constantly being compared to, it's hard to measure up.

So maybe there's hope. At least I hope there's hope. I have been in this 'How am I messing up my kids TODAY' kind of mood lately and I really need to find a way out of it. It's just so hard when they OPENLY compare you to your ex husband.

So on that note ... I need a glass of wine, for blessed is he that gave us wine! lol